A Picture of Our Torn Up Praise
by LifeIChose
Summary: We are all breaking, breaking, breaking and it no longer seems to matter who did what first. Bonnie/Stefan; Bonnie/Damon
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** Do not own Bonnie, Stefan, Damon or Elena, obviously.

**A/N:** Takes place a little while in the future. Katherine has come and gone, Klaus and the like have been defeated.

I can't believe I am writing this but I have recently become obsessed with TVD and Bonnie and Damon in particular and Bonnie and Stefan to a lesser degree.

I do not need another show to watch or another couple to ship but here I am.

Planning on doing this as a three part story with the next two chapters in Stefan's and Damon's POVs, respectively.

Title is a song by Phosphorescent.

* * *

"He loves you, you know," Stefan says.

I don't jump because I could hear him approaching and I don't turn around because I do not want him to see my tears.

"His is not the kind of love I want anymore."

Stefan sits down beside me. He is silent, staring ahead at the wild forest in front of them.

From the corner of my eye, I see his mouth start to open and I swear that if he says one thing about forgiving Damon, I am going to burn him into a crisp.

"I know what you mean."

I am surprised for a minute before I understand what he is referring to. "Katherine?"

He nods. "Yeah."

There is silence again but this time it is comfortable, soothing.

Stefan speaks again. "Sometimes I think Elena is a lot more like Katherine than any of us would like to admit."

"No, she's not." I understand where he is coming from. Elena can be self-centred, selfish and as this whole debacle has proved, willing to thrash people's lives all for the sake of her own vanity. But no matter how hurt and mad I am, I know that Elena is no Katherine. Elena has faults, Katherine is downright unredeemable. "She pushed him away, you know. You were there."

Stefan chuckles darkly. "You can't honestly believe that's enough."

I breathe out a heavy sigh. "She loves you."

"She loves both of us," he reminds me. "You were there too."

I can't refute his point. I remember Elena's soft spoken confession all too well. "So, what now?"

"It's over," Stefan replies. "It's like you said, hers is not the kind of love I want anymore."

I feel like crying again. Stefan sounds as broken as I feel. I may be the only one with a beating heart but I am realizing that there are so many different and terrible ways to hurt.

I want to tell Stefan that he deserves better, that we both do, but the words seem shallow.

I stay silent and stare ahead.

Stefan stays beside me, equally silent and stoic.

The sky gets darker and darker until rain begins to fall. I know that I am the cause of it but do nothing to try to get it in control.

I think that Stefan must know I am the cause as well and I wait for him to move.

He doesn't and neither do I.

* * *

"Hey," Stefan greets as he comes up to my locker. His greeting is friendly but his face is sad.

"How are you?" I ask though I pretty much know the answer. But misery loves company and I just want to hear that I am not alone in feeling like shit.

He shrugs. "Surviving. You?"

I close my locker and mimic his gesture. "Same."

He smiles slightly. "It's not raining today."

I find myself smiling back, just as slight but a smile nonetheless. "No, it's not."

"We are going to get through this," he says as we walk to History together.

I nod though I am not so sure.

Stefan takes a seat in the third row of the class.

I ignore Elena's pleading eyes and the empty seat next to her, much like I have ignored all her calls, and sit down next to Stefan.

Given what she's done it should not feel like a betrayal but yet it does slightly. I think back to the scene at the Salvatores' house and that is all it takes to remind me that she's not the victim here.

* * *

We have sex in his car. It is raw, primal and it hurts a little bit. It feels good and it's nice to hurt somewhere other than my heart.

There are bruises caused by his fangs but he does not bite me.

I am sure that it is not just because of his addiction but also out of some twisted remaining loyalty to Damon and it annoys me slightly. But I understand it. Stefan, in many ways is a lot like me and I know even after what they have done, what we've now done, we would still die for them.

I dress silently and try to be as graceful as possible which is hard given our tight space. Once I'm done, I reach for the door but Stefan's cool hand stops me.

"This wasn't about them," he says.

I smirk. "Of course it was."

He releases my hand and says gently. "For me it wasn't."

I exit the car quickly without another glance at him.

I cannot feel anything real for anyone again, let alone for Stefan Salvatore.

* * *

He is at my locker the next day as per usual.

"I didn't expect to see you here today," I say honestly once I am in front of him.

"Why?" he asks as if genuinely confused.

"Last night," I start. "That wasn't me. I just wanted to feel something else..."

His brow furrows and he reaches out to touch my clavicle. "That wasn't me either but I wanted to feel you."

I shiver at the touch of his thumb that is now soothingly rubbing my bruise. This is all too easy and I know it is wrong but I don't pull away.

"Bonnie?" Elena's broken voice ends my trance.

Stefan drops his hand but stays facing me.

"Can we talk, please?"

She is all wide teary brown eyes and quivering lips. I know I have a choice here. There is a darkness threatening to overpower me and it intensifies whenever I see her. I can let it consume me or I can face it and try to move on.

"Okay," I agree and move towards her.

She looks back at Stefan as we walk away. I do not.

* * *

Elena is a mess of tears and jumbled words.

"I would do anything to fix this," she pleads. "You are my sister, Bonnie. I need you in my life."

"Then why did you do it?" I ask.

She runs a finger through her hair. "I don't know."

It's a lie. Deep down we both know the answer but how it would make her seem is not something she is comfortable yet with facing.

_She wanted it all._

"Can you ever forgive me?" she asks through another strangled sob.

I touch the spot that Stefan's thumb was on before. Elena's eyes follow the movement.

"I think we are past forgiveness now," I say and I can feel my heart breaking again.

Elena was, is, my sister but there is no going back now.

I wait for her to ask about Stefan and I but she doesn't.

"Bye Elena," I say standing up.

I am walking away before she can say anything else. The tears are falling before I can make it to the bathroom and I hate how much it still hurts.

* * *

Damon is on my bed when I get home. I haven't seen him since that night at the Boarding House and the sight of him jars me.

There is none of the usual bravado in his posture or his face. The hurt is back in my heart and I try to swallow it before speaking.

"I don't want anything to do with you, Damon," I say tiredly, throwing my book bag on the floor.

"I know that," Damon says. "But I can't just walk away from this." He moves his finger back and forth between the two of us. "I love you."

I shut my eyes painfully.

"I need you."

It sounds like a confession and for him, I am sure it is. Before it would have been enough and now it just almost is.

The darkness is back again and I just want to hurt him. "I slept with your brother."

He is in front of me as soon as the sentence is out. He searches my face and then my body with his eyes. When he looks back at me, his cool blue eyes have gone dark and his fangs are out. Grabbing me by the neck, he pushes me against the wall.

"Go ahead, Damon." I dare him. "It would be better than having to hear your pathetic and useless declarations of love."

He drops me then and takes a step back, his fangs receding into his mouth. "We can't go back from this," he says. "You broke us."

I feel like crying again and I have to focus to speak. "We both know that I am not the one that did the breaking."

"So this was revenge?"

His question makes me realize that it's not what I had previously thought. "No, I wouldn't do that to Stefan."

I look at him after I have said the words. A tear slips down my face. "Don't look at me like I am breaking your imaginable heart," I say. "You are so good at breaking yourself, Damon. You don't need me for that."

He looks at me for a long minute and I can feel his despair; his sadness.

"You don't know what you were to me," he whispers and then he's gone.

I lower myself onto the bed and curl up in a ball as tears slip down my face.

We are all breaking, breaking, breaking and it no longer seems to matter who did what first.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Many, many thanks for those who read and reviewed.

XXXX

"Can we stop now?" Bonnie questions in a whine.

"We have a game to finish, Bonnie. The only way you are getting out of this is being saved by Elena or Damon."

She pouts and looks at the door hopefully.

My smile grows. She is pathetically bad at pool but I find it amusing to watch her struggle and curse every time she misses.

Her green eyes will grow dark with annoyance when I tease her but her lips are curled up so I know that she is not really angry.

"Looks like our lesser halves are not about to save you anytime soon."

She laughs at my lame joke and I revel in the sound. Since she started dating Damon, we have become really good friends much to the chagrin of my brother.

I am sure it is mostly an act as things are relatively peaceful between us. Damon is, of course, the possessive type but I can't fathom him being jealous of me when Bonnie's eyes so obviously shine just for him.

My phone vibrates on the table behind me. "Elena can't make it. She's having some sort of family emergency."

Bonnie is immediately on guard. "What? Should we go over there?"

It is my instinct as well but then my phone vibrates again. "She says not to worry and that she will call us later."

"Oh," Bonnie says and I can tell she is not convinced.

"I know, of course we are going to worry but it sounds like she needs her space."

She nods slowly. "Okay, I will tell Damon not to bother coming. We can just meet up with him at home."

I find that I am bit disappointed that we will not get to continue our game.

XXXX

When we find Damon and Elena together, I want to feel shocked, to feel like I never saw this coming.

I am mad and I am hurt but not shocked. Lately it has been getting harder and harder to ignore Elena's wandering eyes.

I was hoping that they would prove me wrong. That they both would be better, if not for me, then for Bonnie. Because Bonnie is Elena's one constant and though Damon may not quite realize it yet, I know that she is the only girl that he has ever loved. Not obsessed over, not lusted after, but loved.

Even though I am not shocked, it is still excruciating to see, to hear.

When my fangs come out and I lunge at Damon and start punching him, he does not put up a fight. He must have seen Bonnie's face like I did. He must think he deserves this.

Elena's cries for me to stop sound half-hearted. The guilt is clear in her voice.

She must know, they both must, that we loved them better than anyone else could have, than anyone else ever will, including each other.

I think I literally hear Bonnie's heart shatter.

It is her desperate cry that finally tears me away from my brother.

I am at her side in vampire speed. "Let me take you home."

XXXX

"Is it supposed to hurt like this?" Bonnie asks.

I think of Elena's lips on my brother's and stay silent.

History is repeating but it feels so much worse this time.

"I've never loved anyone before," Bonnie says and she sounds almost embarrassed.

I look over at her. She is tracing her index finger along the whisky that she has barely touched.

She is different than she was back in the woods. Then she was mostly anger and sadness; now she seems mostly broken hearted.

I think she is beautiful.

I always have, of course, without giving it any thought. Now, however, the mixture of her rage and her grief make her the more so alluring.

When I offer her a ride home a little while later, I have an idea of what I would like to happen.

XXXX

I am rougher than I should be with her. I know that while it is happening and I am reminded when I finally pull away from her and see the bruises already forming.

I want to mark her; to bite her; to possess her like I never really did Elena. I come close to doing it, right before I climax, but whatever good is still left in me left pulls me back.

I know her blood would be different. Being a witch's blood, it may not send me into a bloodthirsty tailspin, but I know it would send my brother into one.

It would destroy him more than this already will.

"This wasn't about them," I say. I can feel her regret in the air and the weight of it is crushing.

"Of course it was," she says with a vicious smirk.

She is getting darker, I think.

I look down at the wrist I am holding. My grip is tight though she doesn't seem to notice.

I am getting darker too.

"For me it wasn't." I say and I mean it.

I know it is impossible to separate us from them. There would have never been a situation where we would find ourselves naked in my car if they hadn't done what they did but I didn't sleep with her because of some twisted desire for revenge.

She is beautiful and just as lost as me.

She has slowly been pulling me in.

XXXX

Elena is waiting for me at my car after school.

"Can we talk?" she repeats the question she asked Bonnie earlier that day.

Her eyes are red and puffy. She looks like the sad girl I fell in love with.

"I am so sorry, Stefan."

I know she is but it's just not enough. I loved her as soon as I knew her and not because of her face but rather in spite of it.

But now her actions... I look at her and I think of Katherine.

"Are you and him together?"

She shakes her head furiously. "No! I mean, there's you and there's Bonnie," she trails off. "No."

"We are way past fixing anything now, Elena." I say, seriously.

She smiles joylessly. "Bonnie said something like that too."

"Whatever you and Bonnie did," she pauses. "We all made mistakes."

I look straight at her. "It wasn't a mistake."

Her face falls and I feel instant guilt. I am not in the business of breaking hearts.

"Stefan," she cries.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I can't love you anymore."

It's the truth and man, does it hurt.

XXXX

I find Bonnie laying on her bed, staring blankly into space.

Her previously lively green eyes are vacant but shiny. I can smell her tears.

She does not move when I enter her room nor when I call her name so I too lay down on the bed and face her.

"What happened?" I ask.

"Damon," she answers in a whisper.

"What?" I am briefly confused.

She blinks and her eyes widen. "I told him I slept with you."

I wince audibly.

"I'm so sorry, Stefan."

Immediately I move closer to comfort her. I know what she is apologizing for but cannot let her feel guilty about it.

"I am not sorry for what happened and you don't need to apologize for telling him."

Bonnie shakes her head slightly. "You didn't see him, Stefan. He will never forgive this."

"We have got to stop apologizing for Damon," I tell her. "We both deserve better."

She seems to consider my words. "I know that but-"

I think of Elena's cry only hours earlier. "It hurts."

She nods. "Yeah."

XXXX

I watch her as she sleeps.

I trace my finger lightly on the outline of her face.

I want her.

The thought enters my mind forcefully and I move my finger away from her chin and down to her neck.

A vampire sinking his teeth into a witch during sex is not just about lust; it's about possession.

I want to be in her in every way possible. I want to erase whatever Damon was, is, to her.

I move closer to her and place a kiss on her forehead.

Bonnie is not Elena and definitely not Katherine. She will not be warmed by the attention or love of two brothers.

We will have to wait.

XXXX

She smiles when she sees me at her locker the next day.

It's small, no teeth, but it seems genuinely sincere.

"You left last night?"

"I didn't want to overstay my welcome."

She bites her lip and looks away. "It's nice having you around."

I take her hand. "Okay, I will be around."

She smiles again. This time there's a brief flash of white, pearly teeth.

XXXX

We both come at the same time.

I pull out my fangs from her neck and already I am missing the taste.

Beneath me, I feel Bonnie shudder. I lick my teeth and roll off her but keep her close with my arms.

"Stefan" she says shakily. "Do you know what you have done?"

I can't, won't, apologize for this.

"Are you upset with me?" I ask.

She shakes her head and her wavy hair caresses my chest.

I am not convinced. People always say how loyal I am but I have come to realize that Bonnie is the most loyal person I know.

I try not to be hurt but I find that it stings still, just a little bit.

Maybe she can sense it because she kisses me then. It is soft and gentle, so much different than our other kisses.

I savour the taste of her.

Later when she has fallen asleep, I touch the spot where my teeth were.

I think of Elena and Damon but now I find that there is no guilt.

I look at Bonnie and our bodies so closely intertwined.

This isn't revenge. This is healing.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N**: The reviews have been few but absolutely amazing. Thank you so much.

This chapter was really hard to write. I think my poor Bamon heart was breaking but this was the way I have always felt this story had to go.

Thanks again for reading.

* * *

"Damon?"

"Hmm," I answer lazily.

There is a brief silence.

"Nothing, never mind."

We are lying in my bed, me with my arms encircling Bonnie's naked waist and my head in the crook of her neck.

I listen to her breathe, feeling the rise and fall of her chest against my own. I say nothing.

I can tell something is bothering her but I don't push though I would very much like to.

She will tell me in her own time.

XXXX

I snake my arms around her at the Lockwood's party and begin nibbling her neck as she is talking to Caroline.

Her body feels stiff against my own.

The blonde looks at me then shoots Bonnie a look that I don't quite get.

I feel Bonnie's very slight headshake and my confusion grows.

Caroline gives me a glance I can only describe as a warning and then disappears.

A smile is on Bonnie's face when she turns around to face me but I notice that is wary.

"What was that about?"

She shrugs. "Nothing."

I grab her shoulders. "Okay, obviously something is wrong so you might as well tell me or I am going to find Caroline and make her tell me."

She rolls her eyes. "Caroline is a vampire. You can't compel her anymore."

I raise my eyebrows. "There are other ways to get the truth out of vampires."

"Damon," she sighs tiredly.

I change tactics and look seriously into her eyes. "Come on, Bonnie." I drawl out the last part of her name.

She sighs again and I notice that she seems to be looking over my shoulder.

I turn around and spot Elena chatting with Matt.

"You saw us dancing?"

She does not meet my gaze. "I feel stupid even bringing this up but lately, every time I turn around." She shifts on one foot. "Look, I know you love me but-"

"But what?" I push.

She meets my gaze then. "Don't take me for granted."

It is barely a whisper and I would have never caught the words if I were not a vampire.

I am genuinely surprised. Elena hasn't been a thorn in our relationship since Bonnie and I stopped the bullshit and really became a couple.

I look back at Elena and Matt and see that they have been joined by Stefan. Matt and Stefan are now chatting but Elena is looking at Bonnie and I.

We lock eyes and I immediately understand the source of Bonnie's insecurity.

Lately Elena has been looking at me, and without even realizing it, I have been looking back.

I quickly turn back to Bonnie. "I love you." I touch her neck, reminding her of what I told her when she finally let me bite her. "You are mine now. There is no one else."

"Promise?"

She looks so vulnerable then that it reminds me how young she really is. She is strong and powerful in so many ways that I often forget her age; her fragility.

In this moment I want to give her everything.

"I promise." I reach out for her and wrap my arms around her. "But maybe it would be better if I showed you."

She laughs and pushes me away. "God, I can't think of a serious conversation with you that hasn't ended in sex."

"Oh, alright," I say throwing an arm around her shoulder. "We can stick around and watch these high school morons get drunk but we are having sex and lots of it when we get home."

XXXX

"What are you doing here?"

Elena is standing at my door, looking forlorn and I am immediately on edge.

"I thought we were all meeting at the Grille."

"Can I come in?" Elena asks but she is already edging her way past me.

I follow her into the living room.

The words that tumble out of her mouth are ones that I was not expecting to hear.

For so long, I had wanted her to feel this way about me, or as I later came to wonder maybe I just wanted someone, anyone, to feel that way about me.

Bonnie's face rushes into my mind.

"You are with Stefan. I'm with Bonnie," I say.

I haven't felt this confused since I found out Katherine wasn't in the tomb.

Elena moves towards me. "I know. I love Stefan but Damon, I am in love with you."

I close my eyes and I recall when I told her that I loved her. She had been stunned but I had seen something else in her eyes. For so long after that, I had dreamed that if I hadn't compelled her she would have said it back.

In my inactivity Elena has moved closer and now her hand is on my cheek.

I take her hand and am about to push her away when she repeats her words. "I love you, Damon. I have tried not to, I really have, but I do."

I am kissing her before I can even consider my actions. She kisses me back urgently and we stumble towards the couch.

When my hand travels up her shirt, she freezes.

"Oh my God," she breathes out and pushes me. I move off her but stay on the couch.

I can still hear Elena's heart beating loudly but now I hear and feel something else.

I turn to the door and all I see is Bonnie. I vaguely register Stefan beside her but she is all I can see.

She looks sick, like she might collapse any minute. Her eyes are wide and wet and in that minute, I hate myself more than I ever hated Katherine.

It hits me then, that this is what breaking a heart looks like.

When Stefan starts beating me, I can't bring myself to fight back.

It should hurt but I don't feel it. All I can see is Bonnie's face; all I can feel is her anguish.

XXXX

She is different. That charming innocence that was under the surface of all her power has been marred.

Her sadness, her anger, her power; it's all in the air. It makes it hard to breathe.

I have been trying to give her space. Hoping that maybe some time apart will help her realize that despite my terrible fuck up, we belong together.

"I slept with your brother."

The darkness is in her eyes. It reminds me of when she tried to burn me alive after finding out that Caroline was a vampire.

I search her eyes and then her body and when the bruises confirm her words, the first thing I feel is rage.

For the briefest of seconds, I want to kill her.

My feelings for Bonnie have always been severe and it has only gotten worse since I claimed her.

Her taunt brings me back to reality.

I look at her and don't recognize her.

I want her, I need her, to say it was revenge.

"No, I wouldn't do that to Stefan," she says.

The rage fades then and is replaced by something much worse.

I thought I have loved and been hurt by love before. I look at Bonnie and realize that whatever I felt for Katherine and Elena was a terribly pale comparison.

This was love. This is pain.

"You don't know what you were to me," I whisper.

How could she when I, myself, did not realize it until now. When it is much too late.

XXXX

The thought of her and Stefan together sends me into chaos.

I want to kill everyone in sight; to watch this town and all its inhabitants perish while I calmly sip my scotch.

The look on Bonnie's face when she saw Elena and I comes back to me as I drive around looking for my first victim.

Killing anyone will not take away that look.

I realize then that more than anything, I just want to go back in time.

I want to erase that look, to erase her and my brother, to have her and him back.

XXXX

I still can't forget her words.

"_You are so good at breaking yourself, Damon. You don't need me for that."_

I drive to the school hoping to see her.

I see my brother instead and I almost call out to him.

He hasn't been back to the house since the incident and now I find that despite everything, I have missed him.

My life for so long, no matter our relationship, has been tied with his, that it feels almost impossible not to.

Something catches his attention and he smiles.

I turn my head to see what he is looking at and then I see her.

She is sitting on a bench in the courtyard with her head bent low over a notebook.

In a few strides, Stefan is beside her.

I watch as she looks up and smiles. Her green eyes light up and her lips part to reveal her bright, shiny teeth.

I feel a sharp pain in my chest.

I want to run over there and tear Stefan away from her. To remind her which brother she belongs to.

My senses are disoriented and I don't catch the words that Stefan says to her.

I do, however, see Bonnie's mouth open and hear her warm laughter fill in the air.

I turn away then and move towards my car.

Bonnie's laughter echoes in my ear and I know now what I have to do.

A tear slips down my face and I wipe it away gruffly.

I take one last look at Bonnie before I enter my car.

Love is about more than obsession or possession.

Sometimes love is about the letting go.

* * *

**The End**


End file.
